These Phrases from A Dad Which Helped Us as a First-Time Parent

"I believe I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of being a father.

However the reality quickly proved to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Serious health issues around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his father, on a park bench, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The simple phrases "You are not in a good spot. You need some help. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable discussing the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the challenges fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are linked to a broader reluctance to communicate amongst men, who often hold onto harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental well-being is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to ask for a pause - going on a few days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he required a shift to consider his and his partner's feelings in addition to the logistical chores of taking care of a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

'Parenting yourself

That insight has transformed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "bad decisions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the pain.

"You turn to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, socialising or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other new dads - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help isn't failing - prioritising you is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the stability and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their issues, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I believe my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."